I am not excited about this game. I think I would be more excited about a double barium enema than this game. Watching people try to tackle Ravens QB Lamar in the open field is like watching those guys trying to bring down a greased-up Jason Statham in THE TRANSPORTER. He’s trouble enough for teams that actually have a good defense.
Narrator: And the Lions defense is not good. Not good at all.
I will be packing hardcover copies of THE GANGSTER all day, so I will not be going all-out with Lions gear. Following on my admission last week that the Lions dismal record is completely my fault, I’m changing up the lineup and going with T-shirt: no hat, no collar for the Dog of Døøm.
WEEK THREE LINEUP:
• Hat: none (0-0)
• Shirt: Bitching Black Modern (0-0)
• Pup Collar: none (0-0)
Sadly, this is my favorite Lions tee. When Lamar and WR Sammy Watkins are finished with this shirt, it will look like it was handed to the poor custodian who had to clean up after said Statham fight scene.
Also, I’m counting “none” as a valid lineup choice. The presence of nothing in the lineup at particular positions must be statistically tracked the same way as the presence of something. Don’t argue with me on this, goddammit, do you not know how Sports Science™ works?
Therefore, after an 0-2 start where the Lions have looked good at TE and also at… at… well, at fucking nothing at all, we will test out this all-new lineup of starters.
I am not optimistic.
Also, in the world of “Sweet Jebus why do I bother continuing to live, wouldn’t the sweet embrace of the endless void be better than this shit,” because I am signing books there will be no beer during the game.