This topic contains 5 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Roilvn Whiro 4 years, 9 months ago.

Character Idea With Intro Story. Fan Fic/Char Pitch

  • Ha this is still around!

     Okay, since you took the time to address one by one, I will address back one by one.

    1. My Fuck up. Will fix that ASAP, soon to be reposted with it.

    2. That was meant to be condescending on the part of the admiral, basically laughing in his face. But I will fix all the other mistakes.

    3. See 1.

    4. See 1,

    5. I did not know that.  Thank you for that tid bit.

    6. He never really fraternized with her. He looked at her and checked her out. But that was due to a lack of other scenery, but he never said a word to her, she just caught him on looking.

    7. Was Whiro ranting and thinking back. But none the less changing

    8. I am bad with little shit while I am great with ideas and flushing them out. Any help anyone can give would be greatly appreciated.

    U ig Roilvn Whiro, lvo oprof ey xefhrn, ipr lvo ogopt ey gip.

  • The error is in calling the character pilot vs Coxswain.  The vehicle is more analogous to a small boat used between ships, which would be "driven" by a Coxswain.  So, to the author change the description of "pilot" to "Coxswain" and that solves the story problem. 
  • Sergeant and Fire Team Leader, X-ray company, DOMREC.  And now a pusher too!  UNdead Knight!  The Patchman – get your DOMREC patches from me!

By Lee Arbon is a book about American enlisted pilots in WW1 and WW2.  Due to the shortage of qualified officer candidates during war time, elisted personel were trained and flew as "Sergeant Pilot" (Army) or "Quartermaster (Aviation)" first or second class petty officers (Navy).


"An armed society is a polite society.  Manners are good when one may have to back up his acts with his life."

~Robert A. Heinlein

  • While the basic idea is good, you need a lesson in Navy terminology and usage.  The following corrections are a place to start:
  • 1.  You never knock on a "door" aboard ship.  It’s called a "hatch".
  • 2.  Senior Chief Petty Officers are refered to as "Senior Chief", never "Senior Chief Petty Officer" and NEVER, EVER "Petty Officer".
  • 3.  Not "Admiral’s Corridors", but "Admiral’s Office" or "Quarters". 
  • 4.  Whiro is NEVER a "Soldier" – he is a "Sailor".
  • 5.  What you are describing as Whiro’s talent is called a "Scrounger".
  • 6.  Pilots of ships, even small ones, are officers.  A Seaman does not fraternize with same.
  • 7.  In one part you refer to the person wanting the woman as a LT, in another as a LT Commander.  Pick one.
  • 8.  I’m going to assume the other english mistakes are just typos from here.
  • Sergeant and Fire Team Leader, X-ray company, DOMREC.  And now a pusher too!  UNdead Knight!  The Patchman – get your DOMREC patches from me!
  • Senior Chief Petty Officer Robert J. Whiro smiled as he approached the bridge of PUV Goshawk. Petty Officer Whiro was nothing special of a fighter, hell it wasn’t much of a sailor either. However he did have one thing for him. If you wanted it, Robert could get it for you. It doesn’t matter what you want or what it is, he can get it. If you wanted a three barreled Ivory handled gun from 16th century Italy, he would have it at next port. It didn’t matter what it was, Robert was your man. For the first few years Robert’s skill was only used for small things. Rare smokes here, rare drinks there, once he was asked to smuggle in a football signed by some Purist Nation’s man gone pro in the GFL. He had gotten it three ports and some thousand miles later. All the Ensigns knew that if they wanted something he could get it.

    The odd thing came where he was asked by Lieutenant Commander from the PUV Goshawk to get a woman to the next planet the 6th Fleet was to be stationed at. It took strings and more work than anything else he has ever done, but at that dock, the woman was there. The then Seaman Whiro went about his duties after that for a few weeks.

    “Seaman Robert Whiro.” A Strong voice came from beh
    ind Robert.  Robert turned quickly to face the man who called for him. Instead of seeing a man, his entire field vision was filled with a broad chest man in a marine Uniform.

    Robert slowly looked up with a chuckle leaving his lips. “Ummmmm yes Staff Sergeant…” Robert looked to the right side of the marine’s chest “Burrows?”

    The large Sergeant looked down at him “Seaman Whiro you are to come with me to meet with Admiral Epson on the PUV Goshawk. If you object I have been ordered to use my skills as a marine to convince you that it is not a good idea to not come with me, so please, lead the way if you would.”

    Robert stood and nodded rather dumbly. As he walked he tried to sort his thoughts, fighting fear and panic with every step. He had been caught. He knew it. He had a bad gut feeling when he was asked to have that woman be at the dock. He though, he prayed that that backwards assed Lieutenant Commander would have just fucked her on planet side, but no, he brought her about, gave her a more exotic fucking before getting caught pants down and dick out by someone. He then got reported and dragged into the Admirals corridors, and of course when push comes to shove, brass will always sell out a small fry to cover their own asses. He had heard stories, hell he had gone the extra mile to never get caught, but in the end, his time was coming. The only real question was this. Would he be killed, or just thrown onto some back water bucket with some hick crew who didn’t know cheep beer from fine wine. But then again, it depended on what he wanted and what he knew, or more importantly, what the poor old man never found.

    The marine followed him to the Piss shooter. The Piss Shooter, or the JDCCBX077 short range inter-ship crew transporter. A small ship that if lucky you could fit 25 small Recruits between ships, but you could only fit about 10 marines of Staff Sergeant Burrows’ size. Luckily, there was only the two of them and the coxswain in the front. The coxswain was not really with them, but instead she was wired into the main consul. She was about the same size as Robert, thought the dozen of wires coming out of the back of her chair as she sat there. After they sat down and locked in, the woman’s soft voice entered cabin. “Please remain seated as we move from dock to the PUV Goshawk. Estimated time till arrival 15 minutes. Estimated time with me flying, five minutes. Please if you feel the need to vomit in my ship, save me the time it takes to unhook so I can personally kick your ass, and hold it in. Now away we go.”

    The ship lurched away from the Docking port as Roberts mind still raced without end. He sighed as he finally just gave up. Fuck it, it didn’t matter, this maybe his last flight, he might as well enjoy it right. As he looked up he saw Staff Sergeant Burrows’ knuckles going white as they flew to the Goshawk. A small smile started to spread again, curling around his lips as he watched the Sergeant with a sort of pleasure that he was not the only one in pain at this very moment. “You.. You best wipe that stupid ass look off your face boy… or I am gonna have to wipe it off for you.”

    Roberts smile faded lightly as he looked towards the coxswain. He decided to think about her instead. As he scratched the back of his head her voice came onto the Comm. “We are preparing to dock. Staff Sergeant Burrows, you better hold that till your off my ship, and Seaman Whiro, put your tongue away, there is no chance in hell your gonna get me. But other than that boys good luck on the Goshawk, Burrows, Give the Admiral my regards.” The ship docked gently, a sign that this coxswain was no rookie, and despite her youthful look, she had nothing but experience flying in these chaotic conditions.

    Robert stood with a sigh as he looked over at Burrows, shaking his head lightly, “Sergeant Burrows, do you need a hang?”

    Burrows glared as he stood quickly, glaring lightly. He turned and snapped a salute to the coxswain quickly “Beat you again, still can’t make me lose my lunch ma’am.” He turned and started to lead Robert out of the ship.

    “Next time Sergeant, mark my words.” He voice ringed out as the hatch behind them closed. Roberts sighed and swallowed, he felt like a man walking to his own noose. He was going to die, the admiral was going to kill him, and there wasn’t a damn thing he could do about it.

    Burrows knocked on the Admiral’s hatch and stood at attention. From the other side the Admiral called out “Ones second, just uhhh… Finishing up some paperwork.” A few seconds later a woman hurried out of the room. Robert stopped and took a double take. He recognized that woman, or at least he thought he did. “Staff Sergeant Burrows, Come in, you too Seaman Whiro.” Robert was looking at her as he entered the room.  The hatch shut as he turned to look at Admiral Epson. Epson had a small smile on his own lips, that cocky half assed ‘your dick is dry and mine ain’t’ look.  Admiral Epson sat behind his desk, organizing the papers that where a mess on his desk.  “Seaman Whiro, Your talents have come to me attention. You’re a man who could get things the Navy doesn’t give out to men. I gave you a test, something I thought would be worth your skill, and you did not fail me. You got me the woman I wanted. I am not a man who takes and does not give back. So I have a question to ask you. We are currently in need of a new radioman. Unfortunately we are not allowed to have a radioman at a rank lower than a Petty Officer First Class. So what if I was to offer you a promotion to the rank of Senior Chief Petty Officer  and a change of post, as well as me wiping away all the smuggling charges the Navy has against you, as soon as you leave that hatch. The only catch is that you keep yourself doing what you do, and get me anything I ask for you in the most expedient mode that you can get it here. Is that clear Senior Chief Robert Whiro?” The Admiral stood, holding out his hand, awaiting Roberts shake.

    Robert stood, looking down at the hand. What choice did he really have here, he sighed and extended his hand and shook the hand of Admiral Epson.  “Yes sir, happy to be a part of the PUV Goshawk.” Senior Chief Petty Officer Whiro and Staff Sergeant Burrows were dismissed, leaving the Admiral office.

    That was two years ago. Now back today, Senior Chief Petty Officer Robert J. Whiro smiled as he approached the bridge of PUV Goshawk. He entered the room with a wave and a smile to everyone around him. As he sat down behind the mike, he leaned down and started to speak “Hey Freakshow, how are you?” He asked, setting his headset down on his ears as he started to listen to the voice at the other end.

    “Sorry Robert, Freakshow and Book got a transfer. Something about disciplinary issues and some other things.” The voice on the other end of the line spoke.

    “What? What they get the Book for Rockweed?” Robert sat back, listening, his gut telling him exactly what got Freakshow. But he waited, worried, thinking he already knew what had happened.

    “Well Bigmouth, if you must know, they got him on Attempted Murder, Assaulting some brass, trying to take over the ship, and, now listen closely, cause this is the real kicker, Raping a poor civi in the nuclear storage area! He is before The Court Marshal Board right now. Now tell me is that the Book we knew and loved? I think not. I think he went too far by the line, and pissed on some brass. But hey, that’s just my thoughts buddy.” Rockweed sounded troubled and quiet, he was leaving it at that, he smelt a fish, but he was not interested in catching it. That was fine for Robert, it was almost perfect. He now had an ace to counter the Admiral’s ace on him. He stood and walked out of the bridge.

    Robert was a mixture of feelings, many of them anger, but one of them was most defiantly Joy. Robert could get anything he wanted. Absolutely anything, and right now, he wanted Epson’s balls, and he was going to get them.

    Robert met the Admiral not twenty steps from his office. “Now what the fuck do you want Whiro, I am not in the mood.”

    Robert let the Admiral pass, standing between him and First Sergeant Burrows. “So Book caught you?”

    Epson turned, looking over at Robert. “Senior Chief Robert J. Whiro, if you wish to keep this cozy little home of yours, I suggest you stop this line of questioning.”

    Robert smiled “So he did catch you. I thought it might be you. Can never be sure though. So it was Freakshows wife right? That woman I snuck on board for you? How low can you get to…” Robert stopped as he saw something, a movement of Epson’s head. It took him a second as he quickly thought, tried to solve what it could mean. Then it hit him. In a way too real sense as First Sergeant Burrows brought a heavy right hand to the right temple of Robert. Robert flew from the much larger man’s blow, bouncing off the steel wall of the ship. The Admiral leans down.

    “You know what Whiro, it’s nice that you have suddenly grown a thought process. And while it saddens me to say thing but your right, I think you could serve better somewhere else. I would advise against your choice, but the PUV James Keeling is a brave man’s ship. I am sure that you have no want to keep your gear, and I am sure that what is lost will be obtained again by you anyways. And what would you know that you’re in luck, your good friends Book and Freakshow are leaving right now; I am sure they can fit one more on that shuttle. Now good luck in all of your future endeavors, Petty Officer Whiro, I have loved my time serving with you, and I do truly mean that. First Sergeant Burrows, Take him to his shuttle.”

    The Admiral entered his office on a turn of the foot, walking into it with a bounce in his step. “I knew you where stupid since that first day we met Whiro, but I ain’t never thought you had that kind of balls. Enjoy your time on the PUV James Keeling."

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