Chuck Wendig is an author and a fancy-pants blogger. His publisher asked me to blurb his upcoming novel ZERØES. At first I was all, “fuck that guy,” because Chuck Wendig, then I noticed the empty set symbol in the title. Well, since ARealGirl and I not only named our company “Empty Set Entertainment,” but also have empty set tattoos (mine shown in the image above), I figured this was kismet and I had to do it or I would get Triangle infections in the shape of Chuck’s face that would talk to me and say “you really should have blurbed me, bro.”
And nobody wants that.
Chuck’s ZERØES is out one month before before Scott Westerfeld’s book of the same name. I mean, the exact same name, down to using the empty set symbol instead of the letter “O.” That’s just weird, guys. Let it be known that Chuck’s book comes out August 18, and Scott’s on September 29, so Chuck is all like “first!” except in publishing order not in comments on a saucy blog.
Unfortunately, by the time I sat down to read, I had worked my tuchas off all day and opted for a Scotch (Glengoolie Black, of course). Then, apparently, I opted for a second. Maybe a third, but my recollection of anything after 10:30pm last night gets a little blurry. How many did I have? Dunno. What I do know is that when I woke up this morning, I saw I had written down eleven possible cover blurbs for ZERØES. Maybe one of these will do the trick. I’m guessing I wrote down the first one about 10:55pm, and the rest … well, they came after.
Think there’s a winner among these?
“ZERØES turns ones and zeroes into pure gold — Wendig hacks the action thriller.”
— Scott Sigler, New York Times best-selling author
“Wendig is so good I want to shoot him in his scowly face to remove competition.”
— Scott Sigler, NY Times bestseller
“Seriously? This is good. I wish I’d thought of this story. Fuck this guy.”
— Scott Sigler, author person
“ZERØES … book title, or the amount of Scotch in my glass?”
— Scott Sigler, Esquire
“I’ve had to go to the crapper for, like, the last ninety minutes, but this book is so good I’m actually considering defecating on myself right on this couch so I don’t have to stop reading.”
— (note to self: don’t sign your real name to this one: pooping pants is not author-classy)
“I read until the Scotch ran out — and kept reading instead of going to the store. Yeah, it’s like that.”
— Scott Sigler, author of The Great Gatsby*
“Wendig, Wendig … nothing rhymes with this dude’s name.”
— Finneas T. Windbreaker Sigler, Small-Batch Fart-Crafter Extraordinaire
— I could totally dunk over LeBron**
“You keep me up until 2am reading a book? No, sir, I keep YOU up until 2am reading a book! How dare you, sir!”
— Scott Sigler, who isn’t jealous of Chuck Wendig’s writing or anything because fuck that guy his beard is stupid***
“Shopping list: Pop-Tarts, Glengoolie Black, Scoops, whatever cleans poop out of couches”
— Scott Sigler, who will also buy some air freshener spray
“Wendig, my last page, I turn at thee.”
— No offense to Ben Cumberbitchin’, (dat name, tho) but there is only one Kahn and he loves real Corinthain leather, and can anyone tell me what the hell Nero did hanging out on that ship for like 20 years while Chris Pine as Kirk rode motorcycles and bro’ed out with chicks because come on he’s Kirk and even if there weren’t green chicks (yet) I’m guessing there was all kinds of consent going down in those Iowa corn fields and then Nero was like RIGHT THERE when Kirk-Pine JUST SO HAPPENED to stumble along and I still need to see the director’s cut because that was just an awful plot hole and I blame Chuck Wendig because he is also a screenwriter and this is probably his fault and also I hate his beard but this book is really good. ****
* With wisdom that comes via sunrise, I realize that I did not write The Great Gatsby. I haven’t even read it, and I missed all the movie versions.
** Pretty sure I can’t dunk over LeBron, seeing as I can’t dunk at all.
***,**** No, I do not need to be internet shamed for my hatred of Chuck’s beard. I will be discussing it in therapy.