Top 10 microbrews I won’t drink

Oh no! He speaks against the party line!

Beer snobbery is too much

I catch a lot of crap because I am a fan of Bud Light. All you hoity-toity beer snobs lecture me nonstop on drinking “water” or “shit beer,” etc.

On every book tour, it’s the same damn thing: “Why don’t you let me buy you a real beer?” Or, “What, are you still in college?” Follow up these phrases (and many more) with a self-satisfied chuckle and (optionally) an older brother pat on the back. Sometimes I do seven cities in seven nights, so, no, thank you, I don’t want your white-frothed-black-heroin-tar-in-a-glass with an alcohol content of half. Some of us have to work the next day, compadre.

For those of you who feel free to critique my tastes, allow me to retort.

First of all, I like what I like. You all sound a lot like the a-holes over at Slate who think you should be ashamed of what you read. I’m not ashamed of the beer I like, damn you! I will drink it until you pry it from my cold, dead hands!

When y’all come up to me jabbering about the latest hipster-trendy microbrew with some ridiculous name, all I hear is Charlie Brown’s teacher mumbling an infinite string of syllables. Sometimes my brain tries to piece together this gibberish-ladden stream of verbal poo, and I hear things that — I’m pretty sure — you don’t mean. Here’s ten that I swear I heard you say when you wanted me to try a “real beer.”

Kong Balls Summer Wheat
Pungent, with a slight aftertaste of gorilla hair.

Piss-Test Pale Ale:
Served warm, of course. Pretty sure the guys at the brewery are laughing when they send this out, knowing how bad it tastes and also knowing the star-bellied sneetches will espouse its amber essence and tones of honeysuckle.

Phil McCracken Porter Pooter-Toot Stout:
A nice top note of tastes like ass. If you don’t finish your glass, you can use this brown gel to shellac that “distressed” table you found at that one store nobody has really heard of in that part of town where no one goes.

Belgian(ish) Beer Brewed in Windsor So We Can Put “Imported” On The Side And You Suckers Think It’s Better
Hints of people who base their purchasing decisions on how they think ordering the beer makes them look to others, rather than on taste.

Pompous Pedophile Pilsner
A surprise standout at the GABF and the favorite beverage of NAMBLA. If it’s not served in a tulip glass, it is legal to have the bartender drawn and quartered for a total lack of civility and beer knowledge. Because lets be honest, here — the shape of the glass changes the flavor of the liquid contained within. Amiright?

Conceited Cream Ale
A slight aftertaste of “I’m going to mock other people’s prefernces so I can feel better about myself and the misguided life-choices I’ve made (and oh, has anyone seen where I put the business card for that lawyer?).”

Bitter Boobie Chocolate Vanilla Latte Bock
Bitter, like your silly soul that equates price to quality. If you want the candy aisle, sir or ma’am, it’s in the 7/11. Load up on Hershey Bars. Oh, damn, those are made in a factory that employs a lot of people, right? Sorry, what was I thinking? Get thee to Whole Foods for a $7.50 candy bar that’s made in the garage of a dude who also lives in said garage.

Beer With Fruit Brewed Into It
I can’t even make fun of this one. Fruit in your beer? What are you, seven, and there’s a prize in the bottom? Chile please.

Odiferous Halfling Hefeweizen
Spring Shire Select

All the bouquet of a town full of unwashed medieval pickpockets converted in to pure taste, man. The head on this beer is incredibly thick (although not very tall).

Triple-Hop Kangaroo Quick-Step IPA
An Australian beer brewed from the diarrhea of diseased marsupials. They bottle it up, put a subtle-yet-tasteful label on it and ship it off to America, knowing gullible Yanks will down the stuff nonstop. It’s okay, though, they brew it up in a Pyrex beaker, so you know it’s got to be good.

Phleghmish Red Loogie Lager 
For when you have that hankering for sloughed skin dropped into an industrial vat and allowed to decompose into a liquid state.  It has a great Ph balance, and a touch of maple resonance.

So next time I’m on tour, I will not be having any of these or any other fancy-pants swill you want to throw my way. Keep it to Bud Light, son (and/or Tuaca and Scotch). I’m thrilled you’re quite enlightened and you’ve elevated your stature in the world, but howsabout you keep the reeducation campaign to yourself, comrade? You drink what you like, I’ll drink what I like. Everyone drinks, and everyone wins.

Comments

  1. Scott Kramer

    So you wouldn’t even try my home brew that I have named Infected. It is a smoked porter brewed with Ghost Peppers. Being the creative genius you are you should appreciate the creative geniuses in the beer making world. But I would be disappointed if you ruled conquered the world and did away with all the other good beer out there.

    See Label here.
    http://scottjkramer.wordpress.com/

  2. Milton

    I appreciate a good Bud Light or Miller Lite on occasion. I tend to switch it up just as my bartender gets to thinking she knows what I’m going to get lol. Every once in a while I might try something new like Angry Orchard, but Miller and Bud are always my rock as far as beer goes. Now to drink on a regular basis? You can’t beat a wonderful Dr Pepper lol.

  3. Avatar of Jack McCoyJack McCoy

    Just like art, wine, and cheese, everyone has their own taste.

    I have had more than a few Bud Lights all over the world and they taste exactly the same everywhere, except in Cuba but that is another story. I can’t say that Guinness tastes the same, it was actually better in Dublin than it did in New York City, and they tasted completely different.

    If you know what you like, stick to it is what I say. I personally like FREE BEER and will never turn one down regardless of the style.

    So Scott, next time you come to Austin, Texas, I will buy the first round of Bud Light.

    1. Avatar of scottsiglerscottsigler

      @caldra: It’s about all I drink, and I’m to the point where I’m convinced I can tell the difference between batches (or some particular thing that resonates on my particular palate, perhaps). When it’s perfect, clearly my favorite. When it’s off, it’s not the same.

  4. Michael

    Very Humorous. Excellent biting social commentary. Can see your point Scott, drink what you like, it’s all good. But we beer snobs usually discover that people drink Bud Light only because they don’t know any better. We fight against ignorance, not preference. And so goes our educational quest. Besides, it’s really hard to believe anybody actually LIKES the taste of light beers. Our credulity is strained.

    And, there are certainly lower alcohol snobby beers these days. Session IPA is becoming quite popular lately. Actual flavor, but you can have several without getting blitzed.

    1. Avatar of scottsiglerscottsigler

      Michael: Ha! I hate to push your credulity to the breaking point, but, yep, I like ‘em. And I’ve tried many, many other beers. The “good stuff” is usually too heavy tasting, too intense for me. Maybe I just don’t dig bitterness as much as the next guy, dunno.

  5. Avatar of Steve TravisSteve Travis

    As an import man I only have two issues with people who drink Bud Light (or similar) all the time:

    1) I can’t find what I like on tap 9 times out of 10.
    2) My friends all just assume I want to join in on their Miller Lite pitchers.

    You keep drinking your Bud Light. I’ll keep heading over to Hofbrauhaus in Newport, KY or buying Franziskaner Hefeweizen (It is zie greatest bier in all of Bavaria!) by the case. My family fled Germany during WWI and the DNA likes what it likes.

  6. HoshiGinrio

    i like the Sam Adams lines… sadly I never get to go to a beer fest. boy would i like to go… i like drinking bud light with lime in the mean time

  7. Tom Jorgensen

    “beer brewed from the diarrhea of diseased marsupials” …priceless. Nice job Scott, I mean Martha.

  8. Avatar of athanasathanas

    Meh. You like what you like. I’ve given up being a beer snob as I get older and realize that the large commercial breweries aren’t brewing a bad product, they’re just putting out something that your average ham and egger would buy.
    Outside of Michelob Ultra Tuscan Orange Grapefruit. That’s just an affront to all living beings.

      1. Avatar of athanasathanas

        @scottsigler: apparently, there is. I thought it was just a joke from the movie Ted, but while looking through the g00gles for the exact line, I found out it’s real.
        I just stopped crying a few minutes ago.

  9. Kefo_of_the_mountain

    Scott,
    You enjoy you Bud Light, I will enjoy my Pepsi Throwback. And we both get to work the next day.

    Kefo

  10. Bobby

    I’m just fine with my Guinness. Craft brews are fine, but NONE of them come close to my Guinness. I’ve got your back Scott. The best beer ever is the one you like the most!

  11. Glynn

    Come on Scott, we’re from Michigan, man! We’ve got Bell’s, and Kuhnhenn, and New Holland, and the Detroit Beer Company, and etc. The best beer in the world is born from the Great Lakes.

    From OUR state.

    Bud Light?! WTF?

    Represent!

    1. Avatar of scottsiglerscottsigler

      Glynn: Well, Michigan also has rampant unemployment, crumbling urban centers, and Michael Moore. I’m not into any of those things, either. Come on, man, I rep the Lions, Tigers, Wings and Pistons all day!

  12. Laura

    Thank you for this! I drink a beer to keep from getting too drunk, that doesn’t happen if I have to chew my 18% alcohol special label microbrew, with hops grown on a volcano and hand picked by Juan Valdez.
    I love the lager!

  13. Damon

    Hi. . ..uh, my name is Damon and I’m a recovering beer snob. . . . .[hiiiii Damon. .. .. ]

    Ha! Nah, I’m just a beer snob. I ain’t recovering .. . .

    I think I called you out once on some beer name in a book, and you fired right back with the explanation for the beer name and put me in my damn place! Bravo!

    Anyway, I’ll never stop evangelizing the beer gospel. . . .but at the same time, the heart wants what the heart wants. Who am I to judge?

    To keep with the gospel of beer theme: Hate the sin but love the sinner! :) Drink whatever you want bra, and I’ll buy the first round.

    But I will try to talk you into that “gateway drug” craft beer first . . . I just KNOW its out there. . ..

    At the end of the day, methinks we all love ya for something other than your beverage choice after all. #GFL #WhenIsMtFitzroyComingOut #WhyAmIUsingHashtags?

    1. Avatar of scottsiglerscottsigler

      Damon:

      “To keep with the gospel of beer theme: Hate the sin but love the sinner! :) Drink whatever you want bra, and I’ll buy the first round.”

      Hallelujah! Oh, sorry, #Hallelujah!

  14. Niels

    My favorite beers, in order
    A) cold free beer
    B) free beer
    C) cold beer
    D) beer I made at home
    E) all the beer

  15. Avatar of Mark ZaricorMark Zaricor

    I’ll admit it: I like my craft beer. I honestly not a fan of Bud, Cooks, Natty light, etc, but there are also craft brews I don’t like, either. My taste buds are not yours. I don’t expect everyone to like what I like. Do I occasionally give my friends shit for drinking it? Sure, but it’s all meant in fun. Same as motorcycles. I ride a Goldwing. My friends that ride Harleys give me shit (no, there’s not an espresso machine in the trunk), and I give it right back. We also know each other well, and we know it’s all meant in jest.

    Yeah, I may not care for what you drink, but I’m not the one you’re trying to give enjoyment to by drinking it. As long as you’re happy with what you’re drinking, that’s all that matters.

  16. Avatar of BigJohnBigJohn

    That’s all well and good, but don’t mock my whining when we go to an Irish Sports bar that doesn’t serve Guinness on tap.

    The establishment made up for it the very next year by awarding me a magnificent prize bbq apron emblazoned with the Bud Light logo. It helped me spill beer all over @Nelzone! Money well spent, I say.

  17. Rachel

    It took me years to even like beer, and I found my favorite to be a small brewery outta Michigan, but now that I live in Kansas I can’t get it :( Even I have beer snobs look down on me because I don’t pay thirty bucks for a six pack of something that nobody honestly likes but they drink it to be cool.

  18. Peter Bryant

    You tell ‘em Scotty. I think Bud Light is crap but I ain’t the one drinking it and I ain’t the one who’s gotta’ be in another city the next day to perform in front of a bunch of animals. Wash, rinse, repeat.

  19. Ben

    Oh and I tailgate and drink Natty lite on the reg so I guess I don’t fall into beer snob so well either.

  20. Ben

    I love craft beer but I haven’t heard of any of these. I will keep your objections in mind if they ever show up at my beer bars :-)