My thoughts on the SuperBowl

The New York Football Giants won their fourth SuperBowl title with a 21-17 win over the New England Patriots, who are also a football team despite the fact that they do not have the word “football” in their official title. Giants QB Eli Manning won his second championship (see “Peyton,” below), and played a fantastic game.

The GD Detroit Lions did not win the SuperBowl. Therefore the SuperBowl XLVI sucked. For the fourth time in the last five years, the big game was decided by four points or less, adding to the mystique of one of the world’s biggest sporting events. This year’s SuperBowl was an awesome affair, with great plays on both sides. Here’s my take on the most important parts of the NFL’s final contest.

SuperGronk hobbled:
Rob Gronkowski is a tight end for the Patriots. He is a mutant. I’m 95% sure he’s 67% non-human. He’s 6-foot-6, 265 pounds. He might be made of metal. That, or he’s an Orc. He scored 18 touchdowns this year (17 receiving), setting the record for TDs in a single season for his position. While he’s a mutant possibly made of metal and/or Orcish material, he is not indestructible. He suffered a high ankle sprain in the AFC championship game, which made him miss several practices before the SuperBowl. While he played, he wasn’t an impact player. The injury slowed him significantly. The Patriot’s best player of the season was a non-factor, greatly changing the team’s game plan. The Giants played great football and deserved to win, but Gronk being a non-factor was a major part of the SuperBowl.

Wes Welker’s Hitler Stache:

Wes Welker is receiver for the Patriots. If The Flash played football, he’d be this guy. But Wes, give me a break with the upper-lip tribute to Mr. Sunshine. Who’s in charge of your fan club, Colonel Klink? Hoooooo-gaaannnn! I’m pretty sure this “playoff stache” cost the Pats the game, especially in the fourth quarter when he couldn’t bring down a critical third-down pass because it bounced off his master-race face lettuce.

Honestly, who grows this thing? The war is over, Herr Wes, time to let go.

Peyton Manning on Suicide Watch:

It’s not hyperbole to say that Peyton is probably the greatest quarterback of all time. His mental mastery of the game is matched only by his ability to deliver on-target passes. If you don’t know a lot about the game, I won’t get into it, but in my opinion he’s the full package and redefines what a quarterback is capable of. He missed the 2011 season with a neck injury — it’s possible he’ll never play the game again. And now his little brother has two SuperBowl wins to his one. If Peyton can’t come back and win another championship, he’ll have to spend every Thanksgiving sitting at the ironing board while Eli hangs out at the grownups table. Peyton is 6-foot-5. No one makes an ironing board that big.

John Tweedy’s current equivalent: Chase Blackburn.

I wasn’t that familiar with Blackburn until this year, but damn if he isn’t damn close to my mental image of John Tweedy. ARealGirl thinks John has a mustache, and she may be right, but Blackburn has the body structure and wild, happy-about-everything-except-when-I’m-killing-you blank eyes you’d expect to find in the Kraken’s starting middle linebacker.

Madonna and Cee Lo’s halftime show:
Holy crap, if this wasn’t a most ridiculous and rather awesome event. First of all, I was at the wrong goddamn SuperBowl party. Know what the two biggest cheers were for? Not for the amazing Mario Manningham catch, not for Tom Brady’s touchdown throw to take the lead, not for Eli Manning winning a second ring — no, the two biggest cheers were for the David Beckham underwear commercial and for the halftime show.

Sheesh.

I have to admit: I am not a fan of such trivialities, but the halftime show was solid. Madonna does not mess around. The high-tech stage was killer, and they had some kind of an acrobatic eunuch cavorting on a tight rope, including several full bounces in which the youngster landed on the place nuts would have been if the youngster actually had said nuts.

That’s Cee Lo Green (top right) in one of the 143 costumes he had on during the 15-minute performance, and the Tightrope Lad With No Jumblies (bottom right).

Comments

  1. Grey_Wolf

    just a comment about the Giants: being a life long Giant fan I admit in the beginning, middle and right up to the Dallas game I never thought we would be going to the big show. After beating the Jets and Dallas I started to have thoughts of the 2007 season. The defense got healthy and the rest is history. I love the comparison of Blackburn and Tweety!

  2. DEAD_SILVER_EAGLE_BAYL06

    If Will Ferrell and Richard Simmons got together and had a child that’s what the child would look like.

  3. JP

    Scott, it’s awesome to see your tweets during the game turn into a column on the site.  We especially liked watching John Tweety (I mean Chase Blackburn) on the field.  Awesome player!

  4. JP

    You hung in there through the whole game Neil?  That’s awesome given the time difference!  Shadygirl and I were commenting at the beginning of the third quarter how the first half took as long as most regular season games take from start to finish.  But, at least it didn’t last as long as a Cricket match!  ;-)

  5. Dan652

    Why not? We have already had a Super Bowl I, V, and X. Besides, I have sort of become used to the concept have seeing the Super Bowl logo and having no clue which one it is until someone says it.

  6. Lone_Ghost_Jinn

    I much appreciate your thoughts on the game.  Humorous and well stated.  With that said.  Goo Krakens.  Goo Steelers!  How about Detriot vs Pitt in XLVII?

  7. scottsigler

    I hate to be the one to say this, but that wasn’t Welker’s fault. It was
    a bad pass by Brady. As good as Tom is, he had a chance to wrap up that
    game by hitting a wide-open receiver, but he threw it high and behind. 

  8. MuchAdo

    Awww ISB, had you lived in Houston you could have come to my house.  We would  have watched the game and filled our stomach with pulled pork BBQ!!!

  9. Insignificant_Blood_Splatter

    I’ve always pictured John as a blondie, for whatever reason, with a smooth face. I could see a goatee, though.

    Missed the game since I don’t have cable and didn’t get invited to a party that did, but I heard it was a great game. Dx

  10. tc_from_nc

    Scott that part where the Giants tried not to score reminded me of the Super Bowl XXXIII where Denver beat Green Bay. Green Bay let Davis score near the end so they could get the ball back. N.E didn’t even try to stop the TD run.

     

  11. scottsigler

    Have to disagree with you there. I think Cam Newton is the current ideal for Quentin. Cam is big, strong, he’s a solid passer and when the time comes to run, he’s gone. Get in his way and he’ll run your ass over. Tim Tebow is another perfect example, although I don’t think Tim is as good a pro QB as Cam. 

  12. CyberCowboy

    OH and as for who’s the current representation of other GFL players, I think Aaron Rogers has to be Barnes with his fleet footed-ness, and precision passing.  Oh and following a once great hall-of-famer who didn’t know when to hang it up.

  13. scottsigler

    That was ten kinds of awesome. It was a brilliant move by the Pats and gave them a genuine shot at winning the game. The way the Giants kicker has been playing, and from that range, it was damn near 100% they would get the field goal as time expired to win the game. Bradshaw had soe much momentum and he runs so damn heavy and hard, that when he didn’t get a single hit as he expected he couldn’t stop in time. 

    Every defense has trouble stopping his big body, and apparently so does he. 
  14. steffiebaby140

    Very funny, and I didn’t even watch the game.  Honestly I couldn’t have even told you what time it was on.  However, I did have enormous fun harassing my mom about her love of the Patriots and their pretty boy QB.  When I asked her if he stalked off the field and pouted on the sidelines like a child at any point she refused to answer…so that would be yes!  The Superbowl was loads of fun for me!

  15. MuchAdo

    Tim, I think your right about Brian.  Of course the FDO will say Tweedy never took banned substances but I’m not so sure I would believe that about Tweedy. ;-)

  16. CyberCowboy

    I’m disappointed there was no comment on this being the first Super Bowl where the winning team tried to NOT score the winning touchdown.

  17. Gmork

    Mr Gmork and I cheered for the Football Giants as they represented the NFC and every NFC team we cheered for this year didn’t make it to the Superbowl :(  I was sure that would jinx them, but lo and behold they won!

    Oh and when Tightrope Lad With No Jumblies first came on screen, everyone at the Superbowl party I was at thought it was Will Ferrell at first. We laughed so much we almost missed the nut crunching…almost.

  18. Nikwork

    I had been wondering who the real world equivalent of John Tweedy would be… I’m glad it’s one of our Giants. I still wonder who your counterparts to the other players are.

    I don’t understand all this talk about how good or bad the half-time show was… it was one of the greatest comedy shows I have seen in a while. 
  19. silivrensf

    I never pictured John Tweedy with a mustache. I honestly pictured him almost exactly like that guy except well…..more brick like and huge. Those guys have some kind of Heavy-G ancestry from the way you talk about them, and I’m even more convinced now that we know Ma. Those pictures you found are just so exactly John’s personality, mouth hanging open with one kind of roar or laugh, happy and intimidating. :3

  20. bigun123

    Being a Englishman into his Rugby ,American football never really appealed to me, but since finding the GFL and The Fdo ,it made want to watch a game of American football, sorry to say it didnt grab me ,too much stopping and starting.Might i suggest if you want a break for an hour or 2 over the weekend and you can get the BBC1  channel and watch the 6 nations (the French are worth a watch and i cant believe  i said that).Still loving your work though keep it up

     

  21. NeilColquhoun

    Jeez , you guys sure know how to string a game out!

    All joking aside, I watched and it was very entertaining, and by the time it finished in the UK, it was 4am, and I rise at 6am… so I guess I’m just a closet American.

    PS – It’s still not called ‘football’…!

     

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