This topic contains 78 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Profile photo of James Eager James Eager 4 years, 6 months ago.

My flatulence is soooo bad…

  • Profile photo of James Eager
  • about it during the campaign! We knew he was garbage going in, and still the fools voted for him.
  • Time to roll the plaid tanks so that the FDO can take over.
  • Sergeant and Fire Team Leader, X-ray company, DOMREC. The Patchman – get your DOMREC patches from me! UNdead Knight! King Vampire of Vampire Corp for Sigler (VC4S)! Pusher once, and now Pusher twice.
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Gutter Sistren whipping boy, innoventor of words

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makes him no different than the 43 that preceded him.

Or the thousands of people that “speak for us” over the years but in the end, just stall and vote themselves pay raises.

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the trick to staying sane is to just out-crazy the world

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  • L:ook at the current criminal in chief occupying the white house to see why…..
  • Sergeant and Fire Team Leader, X-ray company, DOMREC. The Patchman – get your DOMREC patches from me! UNdead Knight! King Vampire of Vampire Corp for Sigler (VC4S)! Pusher once, and now Pusher twice.
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    if nothing else, seeing a cat hoist a dump truck would probably cause most goons to give up as they figure you could turn them into a pretzel.

    And not the sexy yoga chick kinda “Frisky Cheetah Rides the Space Shuttle” kama sutra shit kinda way, either.

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    the trick to staying sane is to just out-crazy the world

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  • What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Is that why I can bench press a dump truck???
  • Sergeant and Fire Team Leader, X-ray company, DOMREC. The Patchman – get your DOMREC patches from me! UNdead Knight! King Vampire of Vampire Corp for Sigler (VC4S)! Pusher once, and now Pusher twice.
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    that sounds awful.

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    the trick to staying sane is to just out-crazy the world

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  • Week before last, I won the prize in this forum. Ever hear of the drug called Metformin? Well, you take it to regulate sugar, but it builds up in your system.
  • After long enough, your gastro-intestinal tract finally says “enough” and has to empty. Violently. From both ends. Over the space of several hours. Only gases and liquids exit your body.
  • Almost as bad as chemo therapy was. Chemo goes like this: 1. Report to hospital for drugs via IV for about 4-6 hours. 2. Gastro-intestinal system shuts down for about 2 days. 2. Gastro-intestinal system empties in about 4 hours. Violently, at least from only 1 end, no solids involved. 3. Part of what leaves your system during this time is the lining of the stomach and intestines itself.
  • Sergeant and Fire Team Leader, X-ray company, DOMREC. The Patchman – get your DOMREC patches from me! UNdead Knight! King Vampire of Vampire Corp for Sigler (VC4S)! Pusher once, and now Pusher twice.
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    John, they make pills and ointments for these kinds of problems. And bathrooms! They make bathrooms for this kind of thing….

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    Captain of the Touchback and Proud member of the Gutter Sistren

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    John’s off his meds again!

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    the trick to staying sane is to just out-crazy the world

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    RRARRRRRGHHHHHHROWWLLLL!!!!

    >pfffft<

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    Gutter Sistren whipping boy, innoventor of words

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    No other pets in da house; but when roaming the countryside w. various livestock and other household pets, he sometimes comes back w. what looks like a doggy grin and stained teeth plus the worst breath *evah*…

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    Love your work

    Profile photo of Bob Laramee

    too funny. great story to end my night with.

    Profile photo of BigJohn

    That makes more or less perfect sense. I mean the whole Scoville scale. What the hell is that all about? It’s like paying 100,000 lira for a loaf of bread in the 80s. WTF?

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    BigJohn: Badass enough to get the drop on Kissyman

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    but I’m a freakin’ chili mutant and as I’ve stated before, my goal is to find a dish so spicy I throw in the towel; hasn’t happened yet.

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    the trick to staying sane is to just out-crazy the world

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    Ok, aren’t we getting to the point of absurdity here? It’s like hot sauce is measured like old Italian currency or something.

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    BigJohn: Badass enough to get the drop on Kissyman

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    but I’ve heard good things about The Source. It’s about middle of the pack in terms of hottest hot fucking hot sauce (as the hottest on the market is an extract by Blair’s that’s roughly 16,000,000 SUs).

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    the trick to staying sane is to just out-crazy the world

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    That was selling really crazy hot sauce like that. The craziest was called The Source and it was 7,000,000 Scoville units. I don’t know how hot that is, but they also sold Satan’s Blood, which was a mere 800,000 Scoville units. So…I guess if you melted Satan down, that’s about the temp you’d get.

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    BigJohn: Badass enough to get the drop on Kissyman

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    [flickr-photo:id=3718433600,size=m]
    KISS’d by Sigler. Honored recipient of the 2009 “Iron Man” Award.
    Pusher twice over.

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    Thats the way to drop one! :)

    [flickr-photo:id=3718433600,size=m]
    KISS’d by Sigler. Honored recipient of the 2009 “Iron Man” Award.
    Pusher twice over.

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    I am…speechless.

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    BigJohn: Badass enough to get the drop on Kissyman

    Profile photo of Gmork

    This was a hilarious story. I think I’m going to add the term “grand mal assplosion” to my everyday lingo Laughing
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    I am Gmork, professional multitasker and smorker

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    That was the most halarious story I have heard in some time. My side are hurting. Poor old gal, she has probably lost all sense of smell.

    Richno3…….out

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    I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that said course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented “You’re definitely going to mess yourself” chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off. Here’s the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No “Wolf’s Movement 2″. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning. Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn’t until I was at the opposite end of the store from he restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don’t look at me like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m referring to that “Uh oh, gotta go” pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired warning shot. There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it. I don’t know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here’s what I mean, and I’m sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could’ve warned that poor woman but didn’t. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course , made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake. Here’s the thing. When you laugh, it’s hard to keep things “clamped down”, if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I’d make it before the grand mal assplosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable “Oh my God”, floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of “Shock and Awe”. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, ” Oh my God!”, then quickly left. Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, “Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.” That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, “IT’S YOU!” then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson’s. I can’t say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they’re going to have to repaint the store.

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    Head Coach

    Wabash Wolfpack

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    Dogs with doody breath, I can relate to that.

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    gotta wait fer-fukkin-ever for an episode, though.

    Profile photo of Belladonna420

    Now why didn’t I think of that?!?!?!? Tongue out

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    Pusher, Co-Founder of the Gutter Sistren & [flickr-photo:id=3938763689,size=m]

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    But I already did that one… Of course.. I do love the term heinous Anus though…

    Patent that sucker as the name of a new breath mint!

    “Does your mouth smell like ass crack… just suck on our heinous anus, it’s set you right as a golden shower…”

    hhhmmm… SynapticJam on Toast – hhhmmm… tastes like chicken (aka PUVJK) #2 or 3 in crack hits (Special? Ain’t I just) Multiple S.H.I.T. Award Recipient! Double Dipper and Triple Threat! All-around uberjunkie!

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    You sick bastard, how could you!

    hhhmmm… SynapticJam on Toast – hhhmmm… tastes like chicken (aka PUVJK) #2 or 3 in crack hits (Special? Ain’t I just) Multiple S.H.I.T. Award Recipient! Double Dipper and Triple Threat! All-around uberjunkie!

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    Why yes, apples. How did you know? [flickr-photo:id=4347154616] Pusher and member of the Gutter Sistren

    C’mon Bella, think Gutter with me!

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    how disappointing Frown That’s sucks balls. I was hoping for an evil ass ripping story from these peppers. Well, hope you find a fresh one with some kick. Sounds like an adventure!
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    I am Gmork, professional multitasker and smorker

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    I ate a dried one expecting some sort of deity seeing religious experience but was sorely disappointed. I’ve tried it in powdered form with similar results. The only option next is to get a live, fresh pod, but they’re notoriously hard to grow in this climate; but that won’t stop me from trying this summer. ;-)

    At this point, though, I’m starting to think that my tongue is just broken.

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    the trick to staying sane is to just out-crazy the world

    Profile photo of athanas

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    the trick to staying sane is to just out-crazy the world

    Profile photo of athanas

    at the airport. Dropped some serious heinous anus in the elevator just before the doors opened. Some poor bastard walked in just as I left and I nearly split a seam trying to hold in the laughter. I couldn’t keep it when as the doors closed as all I heard was “Uuuuugh!!!”.

    Good times.

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    the trick to staying sane is to just out-crazy the world

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    is a Chiweenie???

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    Pusher, Co-Founder of the Gutter Sistren & [flickr-photo:id=3938763689,size=m]

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    to Fart, is getting out of an elevator. Let her rip as the doors open, step out, then turn and look at the faces on the people as the doors close. Just gives me joy to share with others.

    Richno3…….out

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    That’s the downsides of full casts and awesome production values… the time lag necessary….

    hhhmmm… SynapticJam on Toast – hhhmmm… tastes like chicken (aka PUVJK) #2 or 3 in crack hits (Special? Ain’t I just) Multiple S.H.I.T. Award Recipient! Double Dipper and Triple Threat! All-around uberjunkie!

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    Krunchie Treatz

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    in my house we call them tootsie rolls Laughing
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    I am Gmork, professional multitasker and smorker

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    is that they tend to “recycle” like that. I have one of those little security chains on the door to the room the the cat box is in to keep my Irish from forraging in the litterbox. Unfortunately he tends to snack on the droppings from my Chiweenie, which I don’t mind too much because it saves me from cleaning them up.

    **All this plan is missing is a giant freaking laser in space.”**

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    Not sure if you listen to podcast novel ‘The Leviathan Chronicles’, but the author has soapbox episodes where he and his director get together and shoot the shit. In one of the later soapbox episodes, he talks about being a chili pepper lover and his adventure with the Dorset Naga pepper. It’s funny stuff and it sounds like the author is much in the same line as you..looking for something that is both hot and flavorful, not just something that’s caustic. Here’s a wikipedia link on the pepper as well as a website dedicated to the pepper.
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    I am Gmork, professional multitasker and smorker

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    I have a friend who is just as big a chilihead as I am and we’re always looking for a meal that can bring us to our knees…haven’t found it, yet.
    Most places and dishes forget about the flavor and just go for heat, which isn’t what we’re after. We’re into the balance of sweat inducing heat as well as something that tastes so good you can’t make yourself stop going back for more. The problem, however, is 1 to 2 hours later than that stuff is burning a hole through your GI tract and you’ve got to deal with several bouts of faucet ass.
    Sadly, we’ve reached the top of what natural products can do. We both ate ghost chilies and were severely disappointed.
    For outdoor lacrosse tailgating this year, I’m going to make a batch of my usual spicy BBQ wings, but I’m going to add a 5,000,000 scoville units extract to the mix, thus making said wings potentially 5x hotter than a ghost chili.

    Yes, I’ll have some toilet paper in the freezer for that one.

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    the trick to staying sane is to just out-crazy the world

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    then I saw him taking random trips to the cat’s litter box.
    All is now explained.

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    the trick to staying sane is to just out-crazy the world

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    seems to have flatulance and burps that smell about the same.

    **All this plan is missing is a giant freaking laser in space.”**

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    That sounds awful. Just awful.

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    BigJohn: Badass enough to get the drop on Kissyman

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    6 pieces at lunch, last 2 at dinner.
    then an assload of pain.
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    the trick to staying sane is to just out-crazy the world

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    You ate a whole pizza with 18 habaneros on it? Or you ate part of a pizza and that part had 18 habaneros on it, or you ate some of a pizza with 18 habaneros on it, but you didn’t eat 18?

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    BigJohn: Badass enough to get the drop on Kissyman

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    Whats funny is that I think I said that about one of your posts as well. :-)

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    I honestly contemplated wipping my ass with vanilla ice cream at one point.

    Such are the burdens of a hardcore chilihead.

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    the trick to staying sane is to just out-crazy the world

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    Been there, done that, wiped my ass with the t-shirt because I’d used all the toilet paper.

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    I don’t think I can put into words how many different chilies and spices I consumed that day.
    The entire “exit strategy” that night and the next day consisted of me crying my eyes out asking why the gods had forsaken me.

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    the trick to staying sane is to just out-crazy the world

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    Gotta love it.

    Profile photo of Louis Schwitzer

    the Lord of Filth?

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    to consume supplements of Beano with every meal.

    Profile photo of Louis Schwitzer

    I still do that in the supermarket.

    And in my classroom right before I pick up the kids from art class.

    Profile photo of Louis Schwitzer

    Where do the stories come from then, I wonder?

    Profile photo of Louis Schwitzer

    a pale tan stream ejecting from the seat of your pants.

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    the DOG leaves the room? The same dog that munches the “treats” from the kitty litter?

    Profile photo of Louis Schwitzer

    rawfulmaow

    Profile photo of Louis Schwitzer

    *gurgle…gurgle…RETCH*

    Profile photo of Louis Schwitzer

    Miss.

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    Not only am I routinely stopped for violated the noise level ordinance, I won the frickin’ Nobel Peace prize for finding a way to power my car with the methane. BBBRRRRRRAAAAAAAAPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!! All the way down the road bitches! It’s just this damn hose jammed up my poopershooter that tends to irritate me a bit.

    hhhmmm… SynapticJam on Toast – hhhmmm… tastes like chicken (aka PUVJK) #2 or 3 in crack hits (Special? Ain’t I just) Multiple S.H.I.T. Award Recipient! Double Dipper and Triple Threat! All-around uberjunkie!

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    Satan himself abdicated his thrown as he was no longer the foulest thing ever created.

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    the trick to staying sane is to just out-crazy the world

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    this is a good one!!!! It’s so good I wish I thought of it!
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    I am Gmork, professional multitasker and smorker

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    the same capabilities that I have. However, the UN is threatening sanctions.

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    The people on my floor have no idea its me, but they are all talking about the random smell of shit the fills the office from time to time!

    Gold

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    That there isnt anyone who’s ever been exposed to my noxious emissions still alive to tell the tale of my stank ass tails stankiness!

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    KISS’d by Sigler. Honored recipient of the 2009 “Iron Man” Award.
    Pusher twice over.

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    (blame my great-great-great-grandfather for his Egyptian shenanigans)

    BigJohn

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    the filter on a cigarette after it’s been smoked!

    BigJohn

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    My hubby’s are sooo bad, the dog leaves the room. He once talked about making a deordorizing underwear…

    Why yes, apples. How did you know? [flickr-photo:id=4347154616] Pusher and member of the Gutter Sistren

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    of the “Mr. Yuck” sticker on each cheek.

    http://blogs.houstonpress.com/eating/MrYukSticker.jpg

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    Naturally, of course.

    My kitten used to blast the room with little furry flatulence that would knock over a St. Bernard.

    Profile photo of Louis Schwitzer

    I guess mustard gas is what you’d have after eating a lot of chili dogs. I mean, aside from the historical reality of military chemical warfare and all that. And the death of lots of people part.

    I sense the need for an experimental trip to Skyline Chili in my near future.

    mmm…skylinechili dot com baybeh.

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    Mine smells like roses, but my dog…omg, his are so bad, they are soley responsible for the hole in the ozone layer!
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    I am Gmork, professional multitasker and smorker

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    and goes back to WW1 to be responsible for Mustard Gas attacks on the Eastern front.

    okay, that was funny in my head, but seems kinds dumb now that I’ve typed it out. gonna post it anyway.

    **All this plan is missing is a giant freaking laser in space.”**

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    as a non-lethal bio-chemical weapon.

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    BigJohn

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    How bad is it?

    I have my own EPA Superfund number.

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