I cannot end without knowing the print version will have an illustrated break down of the 'Chang Bang' with appropriate safety guidelines.
Scott, this story fracking rocked and I can't think of a thing I'd change.  'cept maybe my undies after a couple of the scares you delivered.
Secretary General, Evil League of Evil

one of my favorite stories ever  *drives to tattoo shop to get saivor tat*

Chew the womb, seal the tomb, leave the dead behind

I really enjoyed Nocturnal, as well, and I must admit that the coda of the book helped, but I *do* have some complaints.

1) What happened to Aggie James? There was this whole subplot, and then nothing.

2) The end is too fucking long. The scene where Brian dons the coat/cloak before rescuing Saviorwas awesomely genius and had my blood pumping. Granted, then followed a long story hiatus, but also a drawn-out finale that would. not. stop.

3) "Mission Accomplished" seems like a great euphemism for the status quo at the end of the book. Brian didn't accomlish anything by himself, he just got beat up a whole lot.

4) I'm not saying it didn't work, but get ready for feminist critique if you kill the girl to spur the hero into action. I really liked, however, the notion that Jebedajah Erickson might have experienced the same thing and even denying him his revenge at the end.

5) All the stuff with "Mommy", the Groom's Walk, the Aggie James subplot – perhaps that might work better in the sequel? Keep the Nocturnals more monstrous here, and show their society in the second book? That could help trim a lot of words. Don't nix it – because the Groom's Walk was great – just postpone it.

First off, the idea of this novel if just fuckin awesome.  Great way of showing the science behind how something like a Nocturnal could even come to be.

Thing is, I think you did a good job of trying to expalin the subculture of the Nocturnals, showing the Grooms Walk, showing Mommie, showing how the King (Rex and previous King's) were escaped due to the crazy old lady, and showing how that worked first with Bryan and how that will work in the future with the kid that Aggie James snuck out.

Only problem is it feels like all of that information was discussed 20 epsisodes again and was never really addressed again.  In many of your stories, you continually go back and forth between the different plot threads to keep all these people together, ultimately culminating in a huge train wreck where all these threads meet.

I really wish you interspersed more about Mommy and the underground throughout the story.  I have to say that Mommy and those mutant kids is way scarier than the grown up Nocturnals.  I don't really have a good feel for who Marie is, how she really got there, what she's thinking (if she can think) and what her role is (anything more than a breeding ground). 

Is the kid that Aggie helped escaped not to be continued in the story?  Was that merely a way for Aggie to escape his self-torture and move on from a drug abusing bum to a decent person again? 

Just seems like all those side stories should be more interspersed.  I hear what you're saying about having to take out a bunch of words to get this to press.  I'd say you should even think about stopping somewhere around Robin's death and just go into more detail about Aggie, Marie and those plots. 

Start the 2nd book right after the death of Robin, and the 2nd book could probably even go a little bit passed the battle on the ship.

Just some ideas, would be cool to hear what you think of them.

Truth be told, I was planning on bringing Aggie and the kid back for a third book (which, if I split the first book in two, would be a fourth book). Give the kid a little time to grow up and become a factor in the plot.

I'm not worried about feminists. I still get emails about my "poor treatment of fat women." When I email them back to ask why they hate skinny men (six of them butchered to two fat ladies), I don't get any more emails. Once you point out to people that they don't care about the treatment of all people, just their people, they tend to shut the fuck up. Have a special intrest? Than put it away and enjoy yourself, or don't pick up the book.

The ending needs tightening, but there's a lot of plot threads and characters to deal with. It's going to be a lot of pages, but I will do a better job of conveying it's not a lot of time.

Moving the Mommy stuff to the sequel, not a bad idea. I wonder how much that would truncate?

Scott, this rocked, but I have to agree with Paladine said about the Groom's Walk and all the stuff with Aggie.  It's great stuff, and provides a lot... but it gets lost by the end.

Now, one thing I wonder... if First Born was killing potential kings but some got smuggled out...

Isn't Brian actually a king?  If so, why doesn't he have the leading ability that Rex does? He should give off the scent/feeling that Rex does and perhaps cause some confusion or hesitation on the Nocturnals part (I'm thinking kind of like the Voice in Frank Herbert's Dune).

If he's not a king, why did First Born try to kill him and sparking the smuggling/adoption thing to happen years ago?

Unfortunately I don't have any suggestions on how to shorten the story. All of it sounds good to me.

Some additions would help it like it was with 'Infected'. Go a bit deeper, add some details. 

So I recon splitting the book in two would be the way to go here, though it might be a little harder to sell two books instead of one.

Good job.

At one point when brians DNA was tested, there was a portion of the Zed chromosome that was missing.  Of course that occured several months ago and it's hard to remember everything but my guess is that's why he senses the nocturnals but may be a little different from the majority of the nocturnals.

"Well. I'll tell you what. You gonna kick it with me. Or I'm gonna kick you out. What you think of that?" Sister Mary Clarence 

Let's consider the surface area of a broadhead arrowhead against a bullet (I'll get to the shotgun shells in a second). Not going to calculate the area here, but the eight planes of a broadhead would provide a massive increase in surface area, delivering a larger amount of silver dust into the system (and it's an alloy, which I will get into with the sequel). The knife would have even more. And that's if I use just surface material, these could be some kind of porus metal with areas to contain pockets of material. Following that logic, the arrowhead becomes far deadlier.

Also, the arrowhead is custom, designed to stick in the wound. This lodging keeps the silver alloy right on the wound, further negating the rapid healing ability. By the same token, a bullet could also lodge, and serve a similar purpose but with a smaller area of effect.

I like the sound of the flechette!

I'll have to give this some thought to see how to make the story logical. However, I'm still thinking that the broadhead serves as the best ranged delivery vehicle, considering it's distance, accuracy, and surface area.

Absolutely fantastic book Scott -- One thing that struck me as odd in episode 40 was when Sly killed the king only to frame first born (who is one helluva compelling character imo), it didn't entirely make sense (yea, yea power grab, got that).

Up until that point, it appeared that Sly was a true beliver in the prophecy of a King coming to deliver Marie's Children out of underground and was it not Sly and crew that initially found Rex and brought him to lead the family?

It just seems out of sorts to get the entire Nocturnal family enthralled (and believing in) that their king has FINALLY come and their time of living underground was soon to end only to have the king die so Sly could step into that role.  What can Sly possibly offer the family as their leader to fulfill the prophecy?  Just saying, he's no king and has limited leadership experience so it seems like a big step back and not likely to go well for Sly in that new role. 

twitter: jeffpowell

The unexpected ending definitely lends itself to a sequel and as you mentioned, there are several plots left unresolved.  I sent you my comments previously about the mitochondrial/sperm DNA, etc.  And lets not forget where Marie came from.  Remember Pookie trying to find her on google - but I'm sure that's part of the sequel.

So what can you leave out?????  I'm going to think about that some!

"Well. I'll tell you what. You gonna kick it with me. Or I'm gonna kick you out. What you think of that?" Sister Mary Clarence 

Hollow point bullets filled with silverdust and capped with alox. Upon entry, the round would 'mushroom', dispersing the silverdust and reducing the chance of a through and through. I think a simular concept was used in "Underworld", but they went with a more complcated delivery method. Hollow points are simple, easy to work with and right up Jessups alley.

..No Bounce..

...No Play...

The ending made sense once you recall just how Sly worked Rex to becoming his second ahead of FirstBorn. Delusions of grandeur, indeed. Now he thinks he's Top Dog.

..No Bounce..

...No Play...

I said a portion of the chromosome was missing.  One small segment of it but the rest of the Zed was there.  It is hard to "see" damaged DNA but you can see that a portion of the chromosome is missing or broken off.

"Well. I'll tell you what. You gonna kick it with me. Or I'm gonna kick you out. What you think of that?" Sister Mary Clarence 

Although Stone Mason is a great name, you don't need him.  You can trim lots of stuff (althought he has some kick ass funny lines) by having Robin do her own mental heavy lifting.  He's just there to guide her to the answers she won't accept anyway.
I knew that Sly was playing everyone and that he was only interested in becoming the leader.  I didn't expect he'd backstab Rex - but then Sly didn't expect that First Born would be loyal and succeed.  Since Sly's whole deal is power, it makes sense.  You might have to add a scene wherein he thinks about how sweet life is going to be once he's the power behind the throne.
Obviously Aggie and the baby in the blanket are 2nd book material.  that was obvious as soon as we went to the O'Brien instead of the tunnels.  Never enough pages eh?
I think Amy Zou tossing the severed head MORE than makes up for some dead Robin Hudson action. Again I think you write wonderful female characters.  Joss Whedon would be proud of you. (That's a high compliment btw as I'm a member of the Church of Whedon.)
Secretary General, Evil League of Evil