[flickr-photo:id=5353037802,size=m] & Proud member of the Gutter Sistren

This chap and his wife loved Budgerigars and they went to a pet shop and bought one. They bought a cage and some seed and took it home. They filled the seed bowl and the baby budgie hopped onto the rim and in one suck swallowed the lot. It then swelled to twice its size.

They refilled the bowl and it swallowed that in one enormous suck. It then swelled to twice its size. Every time they filled the bowl the bird just hopped onto the rim and with one suck emptied it and then immediately grew to twice its size.

Well the couple thought that this was a laugh, until the second day when they placed a large bowl in the cage and filled it with a whole box of seed, and the Budgie just sucked the lot up in one enormous swallow and then grew to twice its size and showed that it could also talk. It bellowed in a stentorian voice.... "More Seed! More Seed! More Seed!" and kept it up making all the windows shake and the crockery rattle.

It kept it up till the bowl was filled and just as fast emptied the bowl and then started on the shout for .... "More Seed! More Seed" More Seed!" After a day and a night the couple realized that it was an all day and all night job, and very expensive, because the bird was gobbling seed faster than they were earning the money to buy it.

They went back to the Pet Shop and told the Shopkeeper what had happened. He immediately said, "No, No, You cannot return it!"

The man said, "We don't want to return it, cause we love the thing, but what can we do - it is so big that it is out of its cage and fills the sitting room and just keeps demanding... "More Seed! More Seed! More Seed!" The shopkeeper said, "This is an abnormal bird known in Budgie Circles as a Rarey Bird because they are mutants and they just eat and eat and get bigger and bigger and live for years and years. You have got a problem because you cannot kill them. Bullets just go into them and they digest the lead and just get bigger. Poison the same. They are too big to strangle or to stab or beat to death, and so you just have to live with it!"

The man said, "But we just cannot go on like this we are exhausted feeding it and working to feed it!" The Shopkeeper said, "Yeah I know - that is why we NEVER ever take Rarey Birds back - they are a real problem. The only way to kill them is to drop them from a great height. Like from an aeroplane, cause they are too big to fly and the smash into the ground kills them instantly as they are so heavy! The trouble is that by the time you find out what they are it is too late, they are too heavy to get up in a plane. You will just have to buy all of my seed and put up with it!"

The couple put up with it for another week and by this time they had got even fonder than ever of the Budgie. They even called it Rarey and it answered to its name by shouting.... "More Seed for RAREY! More Seed for RAREY! More Seed for RAREY!" They sold the car, they sold the washing machine, they sold the fridge, they sold the furniture, they sold the garden shed, they sold the lawn mower - they became so poor that eventually they couldn't even afford another packet of seed.

The man said, "We are going to have to kill RAREY! We still have the wheelbarrow and two planks and we will have to struggle up to the top of the mountain and tip it over the precipice and let it smash down to the ground. Well the wife cried and so did the man, but it was inevitable and so they laid the two planks on the wheelbarrow and using long poles as fulcrums finally got the Rarey Bird onto the planks where it immediately started to shout, "More Seed for RAREY! More Seed for RAREY! More Seed for RAREY!"

I will brush over the terrible journey they had to get the RAREY BIRD to the top of the mountain, suffice it to say that they had to hitch pulleys to trees and pull it up to each tree and then start all over again - and all of the time there was this stentorian bellowing from the bird... "More Seed for RAREY! More Seed for RAREY! More Seed for RAREY!"

Well affection for pets has to stop somewhere and I am sorry to recount that by the time they finally struggled to the top of the mountain they were actually looking forward to shutting the poor things beak forever. They just had one final hurdle to overcome. How could they tip the wheelbarrow, two planks and the RAREY BIRD high enough so that the bird went over the precipice? They finally solved this by using the same ploy that the Ancient Britons used to build Stonehenge.... They jacked up the rear of the wheelbarrow and placed stones and earth under the legs. They repeated this until the wheelbarrow, planks and the RAREY BIRD were tilted at an angle so acute that the slightest push would tip it all over the precipice.

The couple walked around the wheelbarrow to the edge of the precipice and stood looking down. The man said, "Wow, some drop - that must be at least 2000 feet from the edge to the ground below.! They stood there in silence for a moment and then became aware that the RAREY BIRD was no longer shouting, "More Seed for RAREY!", but was singing. They had never heard it sing before and stood quietly listening. The Bird was singing....

"Oh, it's a long way to Tip a Rarey; it's a long way to go!"

[flickr-photo:id=5353037802,size=m] & Proud member of the Gutter Sistren

The Pure Essence of Randomness, Captain of the Touchback, One-Time Pusher and Proud member of the Gutter Sistren

The Pure Essence of Randomness, Captain of the Touchback, One-Time Pusher and Proud member of the Gutter Sistren

The really funny part is - I'm going to go to work tomorrow and share this one!  We have a few clients in Amish country....some of my team would get a kick out of this one!

The Pure Essence of Randomness, Captain of the Touchback, One-Time Pusher and Proud member of the Gutter Sistren

Two......

but you kind of have to wonder how they got in there!

The Pure Essence of Randomness, Captain of the Touchback, One-Time Pusher and Proud member of the Gutter Sistren

It scares the shit out of their dogs.

The Pure Essence of Randomness, Captain of the Touchback, One-Time Pusher and Proud member of the Gutter Sistren

A cruise ship sinks.  Three survivors wash up on a deserted island - two men and a woman.  Time passes.  After enough time passes they start to do what is natural for men and women alone on an island to do.  Well, after several months of casual sex, the woman starts to feel bad about what she's been doing.  So she kills herself.

Now, the men take this really hard.  But, time passes.  And after enough time passes they start to do what is natural for two people alone on an island to do.  Well, after several months of casual sex, the men start to feel bad about what they've been doing.

So they finally buried her.

The Pure Essence of Randomness, Captain of the Touchback, One-Time Pusher and Proud member of the Gutter Sistren

A Cleveland Municipal Court judge has ruled that Braylon Edwards violated his probation when he pleaded guilty to DUI recently. It's a shame that this one good drive ended in a penalty

A shared stadium between the San Francisco 49ers and Oakland Raiders has been discussed under the new NFL labor agreement, and executives for both teams said they are open to future talks. Pretty soon this will turn into the West Side Story

..........The extremely humble owner of "THE ROOKIE" #2487/3000

There was a giant convention for blondes, attended by over 5 thousand ladies of various ages, and only one of which was invited onto the stage at the start of the convention. Okay, says the announcer, lets dispel this terrible joke that all blondes are dumb. He turns to the lady on stage and asks what is ten plus ten, to which she answers 12. The huge crowd of 5 thousand shout out:

Give her another chance!

He then asks what is 5 plus 5, and she says 7.Again, the huge crowd roars:

Give her another chance!

Hell, he thinks.......okay then, he asks, what is 2 plus 2. She says its 4. The crowd roars:

Give her another chance!

And finally, what to do if a blonde throws a pin at you? Run - she has a hand grenade in her mouth!

Hey - it could happen!

The Pure Essence of Randomness, Captain of the Touchback, Two-Time Pusher and Proud member of the Gutter Sistren

[flickr-photo:id=5353037802,size=m] & Proud member of the Gutter Sistren

[flickr-photo:id=5353037802,size=m] & Proud member of the Gutter Sistren

A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar; one turns to the other and says "hey, have you heard the one about us?".
________________________________________

....Are jailed for life by a famous magician, deep in his diugeons. He offers each just one thing to pass away the first twenty years of confinement.

The Englishman asks for a pot of tea that never runs dry. The Scotsman asks for a bottle of whiskey that never runs dry and the Irishman asks for a bottle of Guiness that never runs dry.

After the twenty years have passed, the magician checks up on them. The Englishman says the tea has been great. The Scotsman states the whiskey has been a great comfort. In tears of frustration and anger, the Irishman begs for a bottle opener.....

.....A train is travelling from London to Glasgow, and one compartment is shared by a Cuban, a Scotsman, a Englishman and a youth in a hoodie looking like trouble.

The Cuban lights a cigar, takes a single puff and throws it out the window, saying that in his country, there are such cigars everywhere.

The Scotsman opens a bottle of whiskey, takes one sip and throws the bottle out the window, saying that in his country such things are everywhere.

The Englishman gets up, grabs hold of the youth and throws him out the window....

Sorry!

The Pure Essence of Randomness, Captain of the Touchback, Two-Time Pusher and Proud member of the Gutter Sistren

A white horse walks into a bar called the White Horse, and the barman says Wow! This bar is named after you. The horse says, What, Eric?

Man goes into doctors surgery and says my arm hurts when I lift it like this. Doctor says do not lift it like that.

Man asks for second opinion. Doctor tells him he is ugly.

Man finally aks So, how do I stand? Doctor says, You just get up.

Doctor tells him take tablets on first day, skip second day, take tablets on third day, skip forth day, etc and come back in a month. Man found dead in garden. Police ask wife what happened, wife says it was all the damn skipping that killed him....

Police on the M25 motorway pull over a speeding driver, doing 90mph. They let him off after getting his details because he suffers from the last name of Wankbreak.

A single week later, exactly the same happens to a second police patrol crew and Mr Wankbreak is again let off with a warning.

Later on, the two crews meet up in the canteen and swap stories, and the whole Wankbreak episode comes up. The cops realise the name is used to get pity and allow for constant lawbreaking, and as they have his details they set off to his place of work to confront him.

They park up, march to reception and demand Do you have a Wankbreak here?

The receptionist says, No, just the usual periods for coffee and lunch.....

P.S. I did hear a recent version where the final line was added Have you tried at Google / Microsoft / Your choice of company......

Little Jimmy was hanging up his dad's coat when a package of condoms fell out. "What are these for?" he asked. His father stammered, then said, "They're to keep my cigarettes dry." The next day Jimmy walked into a drugstore and asked the clerk for a package of Trojans. "What size would you like?" the clerk asked with amusement. "Oh, big enough to fit a Camel," the boy replied.

..........The extremely humble owner of "THE ROOKIE" #2487/3000.....NOCTURNAL (Rewrite) Byron Metz (as "Baldwin Metz," medical examiner for San Francisco police)

Because it wasn't peeling very well.
[flickr-photo:id=5353037802,size=m] & Proud member of the Gutter Sistren

Did you hear that the NFL has refused to give a team to Oklahoma City? Their reasoning - if they gave one to Oklahoma City then Dallas would want one too!

---- I'm 6'3" and 265, so if Sigler ever puts me in a book as some pussy Quarterback you'll know why I eviscerated him.

What do the Indianapolis Colts and Abraham Lincoln have in common?

Neither one can finish a play!

---- I'm 6'3" and 265, so if Sigler ever puts me in a book as some pussy Quarterback you'll know why I eviscerated him.

ilove this one

Wishes are like assholes everybodys got one and they're all kinda shity

BlackShard Syndicate ShardBorn Forever!