Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies

The NFL season is almost upon us: I delude myself, do you?

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We’re sixteen days from the launch of the NFL 2015 campaign. If you’re an NFL fan, then you — like me — are unavoidably thinking that this is the year for your team. Don’t lie, fool, I can tell you’re thinking of a possible 10-6 record, maybe even 12-4, a trip to the playoffs, a couple of upset wins, and then … AND THEN?? … boom, your QB is lifting the trophy.

ScottLiarOf course, imagining this kind of success is well nigh insanity for most us. Over the past decade, unless you root for the Pats, Steelers, Colts or Packers, a winning record and a trip to the playoffs are pretty much a crap shoot. You’re in Vegas, baby, without Rain Man, and the house always wins. By “house” I mean “other teams,” of course. Yes, Seahawks fans, this 10-year measurement of consistency includes you.

Yet still, here you are, dreaming of double-digit wins and the promise of playoff gold. You beautiful, mad fool, you. You are lying to yourself. So am I. So are most NFL fans. So here are the top-10 lies I tell myself every year about my beloved Detroit Lions. Yes, the Silver & Blue made the playoffs last year (which was awesome) and then lost to the ‘Boys on a game-winning drive (which was not awesome), but as my gym coach used to say: “Even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in awhile.”

I’ve been around long enough that my head knows what’s coming, even if my heart refuses to accept that. As I slide into that preposterous vat of optimism that is the Baby Oil Wrestling phase of the NFL season, I’m going to share with you the lies I hear NFL fans tell themselves every pre-season.

  1. “Wow, our offensive line looks like it’s finally got its act together!”
  2. “I’m just watching for fun this year. I promise. Now tell me where you hid my hammer and knives.”
  3. “I don’t know, guys, I think (insert coach name here) is going to turn this around this season.”
  4. “12-4, Super Bowl.”
  5. “I know we lost (insert Pro Bowl player here) and (insert former starter here) and (insert young player that is absolutely going to be a star, but your team couldn’t afford him), but I think their backups are going to step right in and be just as good!
  6. “The Law of Averages says we have to have a winning season. That’s just science, fools.”
  7. “This is my quarterback’s year. You watch — few interceptions, few mistakes, and he’ll never try to force a pass or make bad decisions that turn the ball over, because he’s smarter than that. He is, goddamit.”
  8. “If we have a winning record, I’ll be happy, that’s all I want!”
  9. “I will not be overly optimistic, I will not be overly optimistic, I will not be overly optimistic … “
  10. “I will not scream at the TV this year so intently that i tear vocal cords and splatter spittle on the bar top like an Orangutang flinging poo.”

How about you? Any team-specific lies you find yourself not only saying, but believing, year after year? Tell me in the comments. You too, winning teams, I’m sure you tell yourselves lies as well and I’ve love to read them. Good luck to your squad in every week where they do not play the Detroit Lions (who finally have their act together …).

 

Comments

  1. Profile photo of ratman19ratman19

    Patriots fan here – due to me not wanting to write a novella here (who’d read it anyways), it’s hard to pick from the plethora of lies I tell myself:

    1. Tom Brady’s 4 game suspension will be overturned. Not just 1 or 2 or none, but all 4 games. Yes I said it.

    2. Every team bends/brakes the rules to some extent – those who think the Patriots stand above all the other teams in that regard are uneducated (in the behind the scenes of NFL, not uneducated in terms of IQ).

    3. My beloved patriots are simply picked on because the world loves to hate them (see 90’s cowboys, 80’s 49ers, 70’s Steelers, and 50’s lions). Brady, Belichick, and/or Kraft are going to make headline news this year for saving a bus full of children – all of whom are orphaned, paraplegic, dying, and have a major speech impediment. After such a massive event the world is going to love the NE Pats and the president will make it a law that from hence day forth the Patriots will be considered America’s Team instead of the Cowboys.

    So my “lies” turned into a daydream, so what.

  2. Robert Wilson

    I have definitely said some of these. Also, “I will not get so worked up when my team is playing at night that I can’t fall asleep until 4 a.m….win or lose..”

  3. Dan

    The biggest lie of all is in the opening sentence, the season doesn’t start for another 21 days (or 22 if you are in the UK like me)! I got a little excited thinking football was that little bit closer.

    Go Saints!

  4. Profile photo of James EagerJames Eager

    Jaguar Fan here. So, what do I wish for? I wish for the dam cable company to cover the games. I pray that we win some games – And thank someone we haven’t had a Detroit season yet (0-16). This year, we actually have a QB who is not a rookie, so the goal this year is to win 6+ games.
    And wonder of wonders, we are 1-0 in preseason, with a game winning end of game drive from our not rookie QB. It’s looking better this year.

  5. Steve Gomez

    Ah….yes….the old “This is the year Jake Culter puts all the pieces together” gambit, formerly staring “Jake Plumber.”

    A football classic. As a 49er fan, we just tend to keep our eyes on the 80’s and talk about that. As a man who has plenty of Raider friends, however, I always savor the “Undefeated pre-season. We are going to the Super Bowl.”

    Classic.

  6. Rick Renaud

    Well Scott,
    Us Lions fans have a lot of lies we tell ourselves every year. Even so, I really think the Lions are gonna get to the 2nd round of playoffs this year!

  7. cariley

    You are TOO funny. We ( my spouse, daughter and parents) are insane ND fans, Every year we think out team is going to be great, We love Brian Kelley. We love the Golden Dome. We have found memories of days on campus, but alas, it never works out.
    That doesn’t keep us form cheering on the Fighting Irish. We even sang the Fight Song at my daughter’s wedding!

    1. Profile photo of scottsiglerscottsigler

      cariley: ND went through a rough patch a few years back, but seem to be back in the swing of things now. I’m hoping Michigan and Michigan State can keep up in years to come.

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