Right about now, people are making Year in Review posts, and also making their pandering “I hope your 2014 is … ” posts as well. We already did our Year in Review, and since I don’t want to be left behind, here’s what I hope your coming year holds in store for you. Here are eleven “hopes” for your coming year, because I want you to know just how much I care.
I hope you kill a dragon. Not one of the bad ones, though, one of the touchy-feely ones that talk about their feelings all the damn time. I mean, doesn’t Smaug have enough shit to deal with already? Kill the annoying ones. Like Northbert. Cut their little heads right off. But not that big-eyed darlin’ from HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON. That one is like a dog, so hands off. All the other dragons, that are all aloof like cats? You can kill those at will.
I hope you get to time travel. Then, I hope you get caught in a time-travel paradox and are blinked out of existence. Because, come on, haven’t we had enough “brilliant” time-travel movies? It’s your fault, you know, because you paid full price at the theater for one of these things, then probably blogged about it. Inexcusable. You have no one to blame but yourself for this. When I was a kid, we had real time-travel movies where everything made perfect sense. Except that one series of movies where all the guy’s grammas looked exactly like his mom, and … oh forget it.
I hope that no one puts unwanted objects in your ear. Because that’s just gross. Unless it’s Khan. When he puts shit in your ear, it’s pretty bad-ass. Khan is not fucking around, not one bit.
I hope you post famous inspirational quotes on Twitter. We need more of that. Especially the ones we’ve all heard eight million times. Also, I hope you dance like no one is watching.
I hope someone dares you to drink it. And I hope you do not.
May you take the road less traveled and get eaten by the ogres that hang out in those woods, which is why the woods are less traveled. What, you thought developers hadn’t gone nuclear on that prime real estate because they like trees or something? Sure, you little rebel, show how different you are and take the path less traveled. Enjoy being ogre poop.
A question as opposed to a hope. Since we’re on the subject of both dragons and poop, how come we never see dragons shitting in mid-flight like birds do? Seriously. Dragons eat goddamn cows. You’ve probably seen cow poop at some time in your life. Those poops are massive. They are the all-day-to-make sandcastles of the feces world. And dragons eat the cows that make those gigantic poops, which means one can only imagine how effing big a dragon deuce really is. You thought the house that fell on the Wicked Witch of the East was impressive? Try a house-sized dooker hitting you at terminal velocity. Sometimes, science is not your friend.
I hope you break your New Year’s Resolution. On like January 1. We’re talking morning-of, too, preferably before breakfast. Because why prolong that shit? You know you’re going to break it, so get it out of the way, right? As they say, “The early bird catches the worm!” Oh, hold on, imma tweet that …
I hope you make it to the bathroom in time. Maybe I don’t like you all that much, but nobody wants to see that.
I hope all the people who argue Apple vs. PC vs. Android step on a rusty nail and catch gangrene and have to have their foot amputated, so they can spend their time arguing how having one foot is better than having two. I mean, I know the former arguments are very important and that everyone must know what you think about their personal choices, but this is 2014 and we’re making resolutions, so lets put some spice on that crotch and crank it up a notch.
I hope your favorite show doesn’t get cancelled. Because that really sucks.