| The New York Football Giants won their fourth SuperBowl title with a 21-17 win over the New England Patriots, who are also a football team despite the fact that they do not have the word “football” in their official title. Giants QB Eli Manning won his second championship (see “Peyton,” below), and played a fantastic game.
The GD Detroit Lions did not win the SuperBowl. Therefore the SuperBowl XLVI sucked. For the fourth time in the last five years, the big game was decided by four points or less, adding to the mystique of one of the world’s biggest sporting events. This year’s SuperBowl was an awesome affair, with great plays on both sides. Here’s my take on the most important parts of the NFL’s final contest.
| SuperGronk hobbled:
Rob Gronkowski is a tight end for the Patriots. He is a mutant. I’m 95% sure he’s 67% non-human. He’s 6-foot-6, 265 pounds. He might be made of metal. That, or he’s an Orc. He scored 18 touchdowns this year (17 receiving), setting the record for TDs in a single season for his position. While he’s a mutant possibly made of metal and/or Orcish material, he is not indestructible. He suffered a high ankle sprain in the AFC championship game, which made him miss several practices before the SuperBowl. While he played, he wasn’t an impact player. The injury slowed him significantly. The Patriot’s best player of the season was a non-factor, greatly changing the team’s game plan. The Giants played great football and deserved to win, but Gronk being a non-factor was a major part of the SuperBowl.
Wes Welker’s Hitler Stache:
Wes Welker is receiver for the Patriots. If The Flash played football, he’d be this guy. But Wes, give me a break with the upper-lip tribute to Mr. Sunshine. Who’s in charge of your fan club, Colonel Klink? Hoooooo-gaaannnn! I’m pretty sure this “playoff stache” cost the Pats the game, especially in the fourth quarter when he couldn’t bring down a critical third-down pass because it bounced off his master-race face lettuce.
Honestly, who grows this thing? The war is over, Herr Wes, time to let go.
|Peyton Manning on Suicide Watch:
It’s not hyperbole to say that Peyton is probably the greatest quarterback of all time. His mental mastery of the game is matched only by his ability to deliver on-target passes. If you don’t know a lot about the game, I won’t get into it, but in my opinion he’s the full package and redefines what a quarterback is capable of. He missed the 2011 season with a neck injury — it’s possible he’ll never play the game again. And now his little brother has two SuperBowl wins to his one. If Peyton can’t come back and win another championship, he’ll have to spend every Thanksgiving sitting at the ironing board while Eli hangs out at the grownups table. Peyton is 6-foot-5. No one makes an ironing board that big.
|John Tweedy’s current equivalent: Chase Blackburn.
I wasn’t that familiar with Blackburn until this year, but damn if he isn’t damn close to my mental image of John Tweedy. ARealGirl thinks John has a mustache, and she may be right, but Blackburn has the body structure and wild, happy-about-everything-except-when-I’m-killing-you blank eyes you’d expect to find in the Kraken’s starting middle linebacker.
|Madonna and Cee Lo’s halftime show:
Holy crap, if this wasn’t a most ridiculous and rather awesome event. First of all, I was at the wrong goddamn SuperBowl party. Know what the two biggest cheers were for? Not for the amazing Mario Manningham catch, not for Tom Brady’s touchdown throw to take the lead, not for Eli Manning winning a second ring — no, the two biggest cheers were for the David Beckham underwear commercial and for the halftime show.
I have to admit: I am not a fan of such trivialities, but the halftime show was solid. Madonna does not mess around. The high-tech stage was killer, and they had some kind of an acrobatic eunuch cavorting on a tight rope, including several full bounces in which the youngster landed on the place nuts would have been if the youngster actually had said nuts.
That’s Cee Lo Green (top right) in one of the 143 costumes he had on during the 15-minute performance, and the Tightrope Lad With No Jumblies (bottom right).